4 Words That Can Deescalate Any Situation

Words are powerful. Words can bring forth so many different emotions. Words can make or break relationships as well as any given situation. The words we say can escalate bad circumstances and make them worse spinning them out of control or they can do the exact opposite and bring forth clarity and solutions deescalating a potentially bad situation. Whether you’re a teacher, administrator, coach, or parent, the words we use are critical for communicating clearly leading to solutions. 4 words, one question can change it all: How Can I Help?

When negative behaviors occur it usually comes from an emotional rise: anger, frustration, fear or anxiety. A natural response to these emotions is some kind of reaction whether it be physical or verbal and that defense mechanism kicks in. Asking “How can I help?” can break down that emotional barrier, the walls of resistance and reduce the emotions. In some cases, one can verbalize ways in which they need help. In other cases, some may not be able to verbalize it but are ready to hear ways to be helped.

I’m sure you can think of a ton of examples in which you could have handled situations differently. I’m sure you can think of situations where you’ve made situations worse and felt terrible afterward and have probably have walked away from situations feeling really good about the outcome. If you read my post, Are You Reactive or Proactive? A Guide To Planned VS Reactive Teaching, a reactive teacher is constantly trying to put out the fires or in some cases setting fires which escalate situations. A proactive or planned teacher maximizes teaching and learning with expert classroom management skills and asks the question How Can I Help? to deescalate situations.

Here’s an example where asking How Can I Help? deescalated a situation with a teacher and student.

A student becomes extremely frustrated during independent writing time because he can’t think of what to write. He stares blankly at the page. It’s been 10 minutes and he writes nothing, not a single word. The teacher is conferring with students while others seem to be writing up a storm. His head goes down, slamming his fist to his notebook, while the other hand throws the pencil far across the room. Students gasp awaiting the teacher’s response. The student himself starts to sweat just waiting to be reamed out. The teacher quietly excuses herself from the student conference, walks over to the student and says, “How can I help?” The student looks up confused but relieved. He replies, “I need help with ideas.” The teacher responds, “Perhaps a peer could help you come up with some fresh ideas. Go to the peer conferring carpet and have a conference with a peer first and then we’ll have a conference next. I can’t wait to hear what you come up with.”

Now imagine this same situation handled differently. The teacher storms over angrily reprimanding him and demanding that he stay in for recess to finish his work instead of playing. The student shuts downs, emotions rise, and he refuses to comply for the rest of the afternoon.

Here’s a situation in which a teacher asks, How Can I Help? to a support a colleague.

Mrs. Smith is struggling with classroom management. She has become reactive, rather than proactive in her classroom. She is losing valuable teaching time and spends most of her days putting out fires regarding student behaviors. She hasn’t been feeling well, doesn’t look and act her best and has been taking many days off. Mr. Johnson, her colleague, notices and is concerned. He asks, “How can I help?” Mrs. Smith says, “I need help with managing student behaviors.” Mr. Johnson offers to observe Mrs. Smith’s class to identify areas in which he can help strengthen her classroom management skills. He observes that the seating arrangement and student combinations need some changing. He also invites Mrs. Smith to plan with him to create lessons that will increase student engagement. Mrs. Smith makes these suggested changes and both Mrs. Smith and Mr. Johnson are glad to see improvement in classroom management. Her students are more engaged and she is feeling better overall.

Here’s a situation in which admin asks, How Can I Help? to a group of struggling teachers.

A group of teachers are lacking the skills to integrate technology into their lessons. They are frustrated, overwhelmed and failing to adapt. They are worried that they are falling behind on the latest technological practices and are aware that many of their colleagues use technology into their classroom with ease. The teachers call a meeting with Mr. Brown, their admin, to express their concerns. Mr. Brown actively listens to the teachers’ challenges and asks, “How Can I Help?” The teachers ask for professional development in integrating technology in the classroom. Mr. Brown provides resources to the teachers from technology basics to more advanced ways teachers can learn to use technology in the classroom. He reaches out to the school’s tech team to support these teachers and help them become more acquainted with some of the newer tech resources in their building. The teachers leave this meeting feeling encouraged and supported.

The more we ask this question to the people we are surrounded with daily, the greater the impact we can have on teaching and learning. As innovative educators, leaders, and parents we must be proactive in continuously finding ways to think of new and better ways to deescalate bad situations.

How do you help to deescalate bad situations?

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Related Posts: Are You Reactive or Proactive? A Guide To Planned VS Reactive Teaching

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