I just finished reading the book, I Wish My Teacher Knew: How One Question Can Change Everything for Our Kids
, and even as a teacher for 15 years I am in awe of how I am constantly learning and growing in this profession. There were so many eye opening concepts in this book that will change the way I view students regarding family structure, socioeconomic status, building relationships and one that made me really do some deep thinking, students dealing with grief.
, and even as a teacher for 15 years I am in awe of how I am constantly learning and growing in this profession. There were so many eye opening concepts in this book that will change the way I view students regarding family structure, socioeconomic status, building relationships and one that made me really do some deep thinking, students dealing with grief.I guess I never thought about my students dealing with grief as much as I should have and I know I’ve had students face grief at some point over the years. It made me reflect and think deeply about how many of my students dealt with grief in so many different ways. I always thought of grief as losing a loved one. But grief goes far more deeper than that, like losing a parent due to imprisonment, divorce or separation, immigration, foster care and adoption. Grief doesn’t discriminate based on age, gender, race or circumstance. Grief is real for all and affects our students everyday, from losing a pet goldfish to a loved one.
Talking About Grief
One thing I do know is that grieving affects learning and takes no particular amount of time to pass. Who is to say how long the grieving period will or should last? Who’s to judge someone else for their struggle with grief? I reflected on my own periods of grief to begin understanding the grief of my students. I lost a dear friend of my family to cancer in 2014. This family friend was a neighbor of ours for about 25 years. Actually she was much more than that. She was a life long family friend who happened to live next door, I mean attached to the twin home I grew up in New York City. We shared a front yard, an interior wall and a backyard. She watched me grow up as I grew up alongside her 3 daughters. I continue to watch them grow into beautiful, independent women and stood there at her eldest’s daughter’s wedding day 3 weeks after her passing. Oh how I grieved for those girls and for their father. Watching them grieve broke my heart which in return worsened my grief. I remember this affecting me in the classroom in ways I never thought it would. I was just so sad. So I talked about it with my students. I told them why I was so sad and why I was acting “different.” And ya know what, they understood and shared with me many experiences when they were grieving. Many of my students shared their grief when losing a pet or a grandparent that lived with them. It taught me that it’s okay to talk about grief in the classroom. In fact it was something that we needed to talk about more. Talking about each other’s grief made our classroom community stronger and we all felt better. This reminded me how important it is for students to understand that it is okay to talk about their grief and we can be a support system for one another.
Connecting With Students
When grieving is ignored, behaviors change. Students, as well as adults, will express their grief in negative ways. Again, I saw this first hand with my own experiences. My parents got divorced when I was just a year old. As a child I was keenly aware to what was going on. I saw it all, heard it all and for the most part I understood it all. I knew that my father was hurting and was acting negatively because he was angry. Reflecting upon this now as an adult, perhaps he was grieving. He lost someone he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with. He lost a part of himself and a part of his life. This loss made him bitter and affected our relationship, which sadly there is none of until this day. I don’t want that for my students. I want their grief to be acknowledged, accepted and heard. I want them talk about it and to seek comfort. I want them to take as long as they need to grieve and to learn healthy ways to move forward. I often became a mentor to students in my class whose parents were divorced or were going through a divorce because of this. I reminded them their parents’ divorce had nothing to do with them, but it’s okay to feel sad. My students loved that I was able to connect with them about what they were going through. Making those connections with students and building relationships further is what it is all about and I’m glad I was able to offer support while they were grieving.
Supporting Students
Now I don’t have experiences in all types of grief, but I do know that as human beings we could lend a shoulder to cry on and an empathetic ear. We may not be able to solve the problems that students are facing but sometimes a listening ear goes further than you may think. Moving forward I’ll make a conscience effort in understanding, hearing and allowing students to grieve as long as they need to. I think it’s always good to reach out to resources in your school to help address students who are grieving, like school counselors and psychologists. It takes a village to support our students so it’s best to remember to use all resources wisely.
If you haven’t read this book, then add it to your list. Not only is this book eye opening to so many realities our students are facing, but asking your students this one question is a game changer in itself.
It’s a MUST read!
How do you address grieving students or grief in your own life?
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Christine Weis is a passionate educator, classroom management coach, wife, and mom of two busy boys. She enjoys teaching, writing, and creating resources for teachers.
This is such a great topic to bring up as a teacher. I lost grandmother in middle school and she was very important to me and all I remember was shutting down. I’m sure I was a different student but no teacher seemed to notice. It’s great that you are aware that this is a concerning matter with your students and offer support.
I’m sorry that your teachers didn’t notice. I think it’s all about bringing awareness and learning about how grief affects students in ways I have never thought of. Thank you for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
This is so true! School is the other place (apart from home) that kids spend aa significant amount of their time and they should have e an outlet for expressing their feelings, especially that are so life-impacting for them.
I agree! I think students may spend more time in school or with teachers in some cases so it’s important to build those relationships and create a safe environment for sharing grief. Thank you for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
I have a friend and she’s a teacher. She has told me many times how a small sign from a student has led her to discover so much grief that student is going through. Thank you for sharing your personal experience. It is so important for teachers to be aware and available for students.
– http://www.allshethings.com
Thank you for your thoughtful comment! It is true to stay in tune and be aware with what your students are going through. Thank you so much for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
Teachers okay such an important role in kids lives. Knowing that a child is suffering can be key to helping them still accelerate in their time of need
Yes, I agree! More than some think! I’m so much more aware of students emotionally struggling than ever before thanks to this book. Thanks for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story! This post is such a powerful reminder to teachers to pay attention to those cues that signal grief in our students. Kids don’t have the skills to advocate for themselves when they’re in emotional pain, nor do they necessarily have the agency to do something about it. We’re often their first line of defense, so we have to take the initiative to get them the help they need.
Great points Kim! Kids, and even adults, do not have some of the skills needed to cope with grief. Emotional pain could be crippling and expressing ways to seek help is so difficult. I try to stay in tune with my students and their families to support them in any way I can. Thanks for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
This is a really great book to read for teachers or parents of student age children. I would think it would be difficult to explain to children about someone passing with this book. I’ll have to look for this book.
This book opened my eyes to better understanding the types of grief and how to support students. I’m constantly learning and I’m grateful to have read it. You truly do learn something new everyday! 🙂 Thanks for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
Grief is so difficult to talk about, but I agree that it’s something that needs to be discussed more. Everyone goes through it differently and even the amount of time it takes varies. This sounds like a really good book.
Thank you Emma! Grief is a tricky topic with how each person deals with it differently and yes, the amount of time it takes. This book helped me to understand grieving students better. I’m grateful for that. Thanks for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
This can be such a difficult topic, because everyone deals with grief differently. I know personally I have shut down, I have tried to rationalize it so to not feel emotional pain, but at a certain point it catches up with you. As a teacher I think it’s about finding that balance with your students. Knowing when you can be a source of support or maybe they may need someone more qualified to truly help them. This was na interesting read!
Great points Shauna! Everyone does deal with grief differently. I have two family members that have dealt with grief in negative ways by hurting themselves and others. I hope to support my students, along with qualified professionals, before it gets to that point. Thanks for your insight!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
I had never really thought of this either. I’m so glad there are teachers like you that care to learn more and how to help children deal with the grief they’re experiencing.
Thank you Emily! The types of grief were a real eye opener for me! I’m glad I could support my students in some way or another. Thanks for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
What a great article and so much useful information about struggling students that is often misunderstaod or ignored. Thank you for your excellent coverage of this painful topic.
Thank you Chelsea! The topics that are hard to talk about, need to be talked about more often! Thanks for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
Grief is such a hard topic to approach, especially with children. I remember when I was a child and my dad died, my teachers were so compassionate and caring.
It is such a hard topic to talk about. I’m so glad that you had compassionate and caring teachers wen your father died. That makes me happy! I bet it made you happy too! 🙂
Thanks for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
I really admire that you took the opportunity to talk to your students about grief, I think teaching children young that it okay to talk about your feelings is a great tool for later in life.
Thank you! Many negative behaviors stem from grief and the many emotions grief brings along. This is so hard for children, as well as adults. We must talk about this more in schools. Thanks for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
Such great insight for teachers. This is often one of the hardest situations to deal with.
Thank you! It’s a hard topic to address in any situation. Thanks for reading!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
That is so good you could discuss such a sensitive issue with your students. It helped them open up too. Sharing reduces the burden of grief.
Thank you! It helps all of us by making connections and building stronger relationships.
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
Ahh this post is so helpful! Sharing with everyone in our town Facebook group. Our small town lost a 1st grade girl in a sledding accident a couple of weeks ago. The entire town has pink bows tied around their trees, mailboxes, front doors, etc in memory of her. The school brought in grievance counselors to speak with her friends and classmates the first day back to school. It was absolutely heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing this!
Oh my…this breaks my heart! Thank you for sharing this post and I hope it sheds a little light at this very difficult time. I can’t even imagine the pain and grief that your town is feeling. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Christine at For The Love of Teachers
Your passion for students reminds me of @valencia_valencia on Instagram. You should check her out! Grieving wasn’t an easy thing for me in primary school. I don’t remember much attention from the school personally, but I do remember the principal showing up to my gran’s funeral and that touched me. I hope schools a better equipped to deal with grieving now.
http://www.liveloveblu.com
Thank you! I don’t remember my school paying much attention to grief unless it was a loss of parent or tragedy. Students would visit the guidance counselor if necessary but it was never talked about in class. In fact, I don’t remember any of my teachers ever getting real and personal with students to build relationships and connections. That is amazing that your principal showed up to your gran’s funeral…that matters a great deal. Btw, I followed @valancia on IG. I love connecting with others who share the same passion as mine. Thank you!
Christine at For The Love of Teachers